


Epiphany

by ryuuseirune



Series: Visible [4]
Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Character Study, Crushes, Gen, Mentioned Hop/Masaru | Victor, Moving On, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25365187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryuuseirune/pseuds/ryuuseirune
Summary: Bede is in love with Victor. Victor is in love with Hop.These are the two facts of the universe that Bede won't deny, and the ones he comes to cope with.
Relationships: One-Sided Beet | Bede/Masaru | Victor
Series: Visible [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644436
Kudos: 25





	Epiphany

Bede doesn’t know when he fell in love with Victor, but he’s acutely aware of the grave he’s somehow buried himself in. 

Nearly everything about Victor annoys him. His smile, in particular, is far too bright for Bede’s eyes to handle. If he stares into that effervescent light for too long, Bede’s chest will start to ache. His laugh, pitchy and loud at times, makes Bede’s throat close up in disgust. Furthermore, he won’t stop pestering Bede about going on shopping trips together – and his persistence regarding it is probably Bede’s least favorite part of Victor’s personality

Unfortunately, Victor is an integral part of his life – meaning Bede can’t simply avoid him. As the new Gym Leader, Bede has to treat all of his coworkers with diplomacy – and with Victor as the new head of the Pokemon League, he’s immediately interconnected with all of the Gym Leaders. Every day, Bede goes into work and sees Victor’s face plastered all over the walls – and if there’s one thing he absolutely hates, it’s reminders.

And any reminder of how much he loves Victor is a new entry at the top of his list of “Most Hated Things.”

Victor has always been magnanimous to Bede, with no apparent ulterior motives. Even then, when Bede was nothing but cruel to both Victor and Hop, Victor still went out of his way to confront him. Whenever Bede felt like there really was no one in this world waiting for him, Victor was the one to search him out and ask if he was okay. And even if Bede begged Victor to leave him be, Victor would always insist that he wanted to listen.

Before Victor, no one would lend him an ear. Not Rose, who made a shoddy father figure; not Oleana, who was coping with her own trauma at the time; not even his own mind – which he always did his best to occupy with other thoughts. It was Victor who made him realize that his method of coping wasn’t healthy. It was Victor who taught him that drowning himself in attention-seeking behaviors wasn’t going to fix his self-confidence. It was Victor, whose most important person he had harmed severely, who never shared a single thing with Bede about his past, who simply smiled when Bede said he hated him.

Victor was everything to him back then. Watching the Wyndon skyline become tainted by amber light as the sun slowly rises, Bede is only reminded of the day he confessed to Victor. How the sky stretched above them, violet in hue and so effortlessly pinkish near the horizon – Bede recalls it all with a bittersweet grin, watching as the smoke billows from the street below. Perhaps, in a different universe, Victor could have fallen in love for him – though all of Bede’s feelings are muted lilac now.

Adoration – what is adoration? Bede’s heart yearns mindlessly for a man who looks at him and feels nothing – yet with every ounce of his being, Bede  _ adores  _ him. Every second he isn’t filing paperwork or battling trainers or occupying his brain in another manner, his mind will always drift to Victor. A foolish infatuation, Opal defines it – but if that were the case, his feelings would have burnt out years ago. Instead, they smolder inside of him, taking up whatever capability he has to feel and replacing it with that  _ impossible _ one-sided attraction.

Hop is perfectly tailored for Victor in every single way that Bede isn’t. Hop is emotional, vivid, and patient, drawing Victor out of his shell with his passion and vigor. Victor is loyal, introverted, and strong-willed – given the chance, he would stand hand-in-hand with Hop as they travel to the ends of the earth. Both are similar on the outside, but with motivations that are distinct and yet feed into each other. Hop is Victor’s motivation to keep going; while Victor is Hop’s support system – they anchor each other. 

It only makes sense for Victor to love Hop. Bede isn’t even an option – the two want each other so much that they can’t distinguish their desire from their need. They’re codependent in a way that Bede has never had – and yet they still manage to be individuals, free in a way that Bede isn’t.

Bede has spent most of his formative years being jealous of their dynamic. He’s chased after Victor, challenged him so many times. At this point, Bede can’t tell if he wants to be Champion or if he just wants Victor to notice him as a rival. If Bede manages to defeat Victor, who’s currently undefeatable, then maybe, just  _ maybe, _ Victor would consider him – though he knows that either situation is unlikely.

No matter how much Bede pursues him, Victor is unattainable. Bede hates doing the chasing, anyway – though if there was even a tiny chance that Victor loved him back, he would probably drop everything just to check it out. During their Gym Challenge, Victor was always the one who called out to Bede whenever he was down. Bede never needed to contact him first because he  _ knew _ Victor would come to him eventually. But when Victor dropped off the face of the earth, it left Bede not even knowing where to search.

Bede knows he should be thanking Hop for bringing Victor back into his life, but he can’t work up the courage to do it anyway. 

He can hardly even thank Victor for bringing levity into his life, anyway. Bede has never been skilled with words of encouragement or thank-yous that express unadulterated emotion. Anger is all he can put into words – never love, never friendship.

Maybe that’s because anger has always been the feeling that cleared any obstacle from Bede’s path to glory. Destructive, tumultuous wrath – those who stood against him fell to his sheer display of rage, sapped of any strength they once had. Except for Victor, of course, whose eclectic display of raw talent and desire stood tall against Bede’s volcanic emotion.

To this day, he’s still not sure what made Victor so different from others around him. Even Hop, who Bede grew to respect in the years following their challenge, couldn’t bypass whatever odd energy Victor had in battle – and it wasn’t like he didn’t try. Everyone wanted to defeat Victor back then – when he didn’t raze the battlefields with a single command.

Now, Victor’s skill is unmatched by all in the Galar region – and Bede isn’t sure if it’s because he’s simply that good of a strategist or because he has access to training materials that other people don’t. Or because he’s Victor – with that single-minded desire to stand next to Hop as someone he can respect.

Either way, Bede admired him – and he still does, for the most part. He just wishes that his feelings would stop muddling his view of his friend – rival – whatever. In so many ways, Victor seems superhuman – but Bede knows he’s not. Victor can have off days or even years. He can cry, and drink, and even fear things – but he never simply  _ shows _ it.

Bede understands that emotional expression can be difficult. In fact, he’s probably the poster child for problematic behavior caused by unchecked emotion. Even so, Victor is an enigma to him – never saying much about himself, but always listening to someone else. And everyone takes Victor for granted – even the people he loves the most.

Bede won’t lie and claim that he understands Victor better than Hop, but in so many ways, he does  _ know _ Victor better. Not for some silly, arrogant reason, either: Bede knows Victor because Victor is exactly like himself. An absent father figure? Check. Not knowing what he’s meant to achieve in life? Check. Withdrawing from all the people you once called friends due to the passion that you once pursued, and then feeling ennui because of it? Check. Bede gets Victor in a way that Hop can’t – yet it’s like he’s on the outside looking in. 

Hopeless.

That’s the word to describe loving someone who will never love you back. Unfruitful, unfulfilling, and a waste of time. Bede waits for things to change: maybe one day he’ll wake up and Victor will be there next to him. Maybe each step he takes on this grueling path to the top of the mountain has been worth it. But somewhere, deep down inside of him, Bede knows that the mountain never ends – that reaching its peak is impossible, and that the only way to save himself from an eternal journey is to turn back.

Victor won’t love Bede. Victor will  _ never _ love Bede – not because he’s in love with Hop, though that may feed into it – but because Bede is nothing but a friend to Victor. That’s all their relationship has been – will be –  _ can _ be – two friends who listen when the other is down, who help the other up in the worst times, who know when the other is lying about feeling okay. Nothing more, nothing less. And  _ expecting _ more from Victor is nothing but a selfish wish on Bede’s part.

It doesn’t make seeing Victor as just a friend any less difficult. Victor is… a lot. Not just to Bede, but to everyone. To say he’s captured the hearts of every person in Galar would be an understatement at best – Victor is  _ adored _ . Loved. Idolized in a way that’s impersonal. But that’s what makes Bede’s fantasy seem so  _ real _ in comparison – Victor is right there in front of him, just a little too far out of reach, maybe one day he’ll be able to reach a little more –

No.

Bede knows he should stop. Bede  _ wants _ to stop. But he can’t just  _ forget _ all the emotions he’s been carrying with him for the past five years. Heck, he knew back then that Victor was in love with Hop, but he didn’t care enough to rid himself of his feelings. Surely, if past Bede had known what a mistake holding onto that boy was, he wouldn’t be here now – pining over his close friend, who is in love with somebody else.

But past Bede hadn’t expected Victor to draw him in so much – there was no way he could have predicted his feelings would last so long. Now he’s suffering for Victor – for someone he doesn’t even  _ need _ – and each day loving him feels longer than the last. He doesn’t want to just wake up one day and not feel anything for Victor anymore – but if he lets his feelings stay dormant, they’re bound to flare up again whenever he sees Victor again.

Perhaps that’s why Bede has loved Victor so long: he relied on his love for Victor to make him feel whole again.

A typical day in Wyndon is deafening, but the still streets below him are so silent that they seem to roar. Dawn breaks, and with it, his love seems to fizzle away. Alone on his hotel room balcony, Bede watches how the sun paints the clouds a yellow hue – and he feels oddly empty.

Bede doesn’t need to love Victor anymore – at least not in the way he thought he did. As rivals, as friends, as partners-in-crime – Bede can finally see Victor’s face from across the street, his promotional poster staring right back at him. And strangely, absurdly, he presses his hand to his chest – and his heart doesn’t flutter, or skip a beat, or pound in his ears like Piers’s heavy metal music.

“What a way for you to exit the stage, Victor,” Bede whispers to nobody but himself. Pivoting on his heel, Bede retreats back into his room – the feeling of an end blossoming into a new beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this couldn't have been more of a happy fic.
> 
> I met a person that I very strongly felt for, but ultimately, it was a hollow love. I genuinely loved them; their achievements; and the indescribable feeling that they brought me; but it was self-destructive. I'm the type of person to love the same person for years before giving up, but I'm easily readable, and I don't really like chasing after someone who will probably never consider me in the same way. Then, one day, I woke up and it was gone. Everything, from the beginning to the end. I felt nothing. I still feel nothing. And for the past few months, I've been repeating this cycle in hopes that I'll find something to care about, to no avail.
> 
> In February, I started writing fanfiction because I needed a way to get out five years of feelings for one person. In late April/early May, there was a period of time after I broke off my relationship where I lost motivation. Although it was inevitably my choice, I couldn't withstand my own emotions, and for that, I'm sorry. I've gone through three muses in like... a span of a few months. If I wasn't so set on maintaining the feelings that I initially intended to convey in my works, then maybe I could have been more of a productive writer.
> 
> So this time, I'm going to make sure that I don't let my feelings get in the way of my work. And I suppose this fic is my last lament. Thanks for reading this - it's something pretty personal to me, and I hope you were able to enjoy it.


End file.
